how to navigate caregiving your toxic narcissistic mother

As a coach for daughters of narcissistic mothers, I encounter many who are caregiving their elderly narcissistic mothers.

They want to know how to deal with the frustration, burnout, and feeling like they have no choice but to look after their abuser.

In this article, we’ll talk about how to navigate taking care of your toxic mother without losing your mind or yourself.

How do you deal with an elderly narcissistic mother?

Most of the women I know who are caregiving narcissistic mothers believe they have no other choice.

Much of their frustration relates to the fact that they feel trapped. This can trigger the pain of obligation to your mother you felt as a child and throughout your life.

dilemma vs. choice

I often hear women say “I HAVE to take care of my elderly mother”. While that may seem true on every level, you do have the right to say no.

That doesn’t mean you should refuse to help your mother. But you have the option not to.

Your belief that you have no choice in the matter may come from conditioning, both in childhood and from society (more on that later).

Instead, see if you can reframe this limiting belief as a dilemma rather than an absence of choice. This means you are choosing between two unappealing alternatives, but the decision is still yours to make.

Walk away

Going no contact with an elderly narcissistic mother may feel cruel but is sometimes necessary for your self-preservation.

You’re not the only one available to take care of her… and if you are, that’s her consequence for pushing everyone away.

Deciding to walk away has nothing to do with punishing her. It’s a choice you make because the alternative is too detrimental to your mental, physical, or financial health.

Or simply because you don’t want to.

Caregiving your narcissistic mother is not right or wrong, it just is. If you decide to take on that role, there’s no reason to judge yourself.

And if you decide to walk away, there’s no self-judgment in that, either.

Learning the art of detachment and radical acceptance are helpful healing techniques in either situation.

Lower your expectations

I’ve heard some experts say that the golden child is nowhere to be found when caregiving the narcissistic mother becomes an issue.

Sometimes the scapegoat takes on the role because they’ve been primed to overgive and do thankless work all their lives.

They believe no one else will do it if they don’t. To which I answer: that’s not your problem.

You might also jump in to help so quickly that you haven’t given anyone else a chance to pick up the slack. If you stopped showing up, they just might be forced to do their part.

If you’re the least favored daughter, you may try to win your mother’s love and acceptance by taking on this role. 

But it’s important to realize that caregiving your narcissistic mother will not make her love you any more. It might even make her resent you because she relies on your help.

Don’t expect sympathy or gratitude from this woman who is not capable of either. Expect that she will continue to criticize, demean, provoke, and take you for granted as she always has.

What does narcissism look like in the elderly?

Unlike borderline personality which diminishes as people get older (in most cases), narcissists seem to get worse.

As they age, they push more and more people away. The helplessness they feel in relying on others can bring out more aggression and anger in them than usual.

This is where the previously mentioned detachment and radical acceptance come in. Refuse to engage with her manipulative attempts to provoke a reaction out of you.

That includes justifying yourself in the face of her criticism, or doing more in an effort to disprove her claims that you’re an inadequate caregiver.

Daughters of elderly narcissistic mothers

Earlier, I mentioned that society influences your belief that you have no choice in the matter of caring for your mother.

Besides your childhood conditioning to put your own needs last, society also conditioned you as a woman to do the same thing.

We get told that it’s our job as women to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of our children and families. 

We get praised for setting aside our own desires to take care of the needs of others instead.

But as Gabor Mate’s book title suggests, The Body Says No eventually. You will find that the suppressed rage you feel over constant caretaking without appreciation or gratitude will make you sick.

And he gives case studies of women who take longer to recover from the same surgeries as men. The reason: men get taken care of when they come home from hospital, while women continue taking care of others instead of recovering.

LAST WORDS

Whatever your decision on caregiving your narcissistic mother, it’s imperative that you exercise self-compassion rather than self-judgment.

There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to caring for an elderly mother. Radical acceptance, healthy detachment, and refusing to judge yourself are keys to navigating the situation.

To learn more about how to deal with your narcissistic mother and the outcomes of her abuse, check out my free videos here.