How to empower yourself against fear, obligation, guilt with a narcissist
Narcissists will use fear, obligation, and guilt to keep you under their control and get what they want. Collectively referred to as the acronym FOG, these tactics keep you confused and anxious, unsure of yourself, and unable to self-advocate.
In this article we’ll look at why daughters of narcissists are susceptible to these tactics. And we’ll provide strategies on how to empower yourself in the face of them.
What does FOG look like?
In this section we’ll look at each of the three elements of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) separately.
Fear
You may not even know what you’re afraid of, but it feels frightening to displease your mother. This fear was developed in childhood when you were so dependent on her that rejection or loss of love meant certain death.
You’re an adult now with access to resources you didn’t have as a child. But you still experience the fear of losing her love and acceptance, and will abandon yourself to get it back.
The fear can be well-founded as with my mother who has tried to sabotage my career and smears my name to others. Narcissistic mothers will also stalk and physically harm their daughter victims which is truly dangerous rather than a perceived threat.
Obligation
This is the feeling that you owe her something because she gave birth to you or adopted you. Society backs up this faulty reasoning and you may have heard friends say “but she’s your mother” as if this gives her the right to treat you however she wants without consequence.
Of course, people who say this do not have the experience of being raised by a narcissist. They do not understand that not all mothers are loving, and some pose serious threats to their daughters’ emotional and physical well-being.
Obligation is parentification because you have been tasked with taking care of her and her emotions all your life. You expect to cater to her needs and have none of your own.
Guilt
Your guilt feelings arise when you have no reason to feel guilty, such as saying no to your mother or setting a boundary with her. This guilt may feel so uncomfortable that you will do anything to avoid it…which means dropping the boundary and doing whatever she wants.
However, the short-term relief from the pain of guilt comes with a high cost. You never get your needs met or live the authentic life you deserve and desire.
Whereas healthy parents want to assuage their children’s guilt, narcissistic mothers encourage it. They do this because it helps them get what they want out of you.
How to navigate FEAR, OBLIGATION, GUILT
Ask yourself what you are afraid of when it comes to your mother. This fear might belong to the child who was dependent on mother for all its needs.
Your job now is to comfort this child inside you instead of abandoning it. If your mother is truly dangerous, no contact is the recommended option.
It doesn’t matter how much she sacrificed or how terrible your birth was, you owe her nothing. Begin to consider that your needs matter and you do not have to do anything you do not want to do.
Remember that feeling guilty is a natural outcome of being raised by a narcissist. Feeling guilty does not mean you have done anything wrong.
Your work is to feel the guilt and do it anyway (maintain the boundary, etc.). When guilt feels overwhelming, you can do EFT tapping to calm your nervous system while you allow the feeling to move through you.
Regardless of the level of narcissism, it is your right to decide how much contact you have with anyone, including your mother. The work is to prioritize your needs regardless of what anyone thinks or says.
Many survivors mistake the work for trying to make others understand us. But healing means radical acceptance of the situation (because they will talk) and living your life for you, anyway.
Next steps
Now you know the common narcissistic tactics of fear, obligation, guilt, and how to navigate them. Dealing with these and other types of manipulation can be an ongoing process.
They’ve been used against you your whole life and it may feel difficult to admit that your mother would plot against you this way.
However, almost everything a narcissistic mother does is designed to get her the supply she craves. When you are aware of the tactics, you can protect yourself.
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