I walked into the office on November 3 and gasped at the sight of a fully-decorated Christmas tree in the lobby.
Thankfully, I’m no longer triggered by such premature signs of the season. But they serve as a solemn reminder of years past when I had to survive the holidays with a narcissistic mother.
My job was to try and keep her happy while meeting everybody else's needs, regardless of the drain on my time, energy, and finances. Unlike the famous song, it was the most horrible time of the year for me.
Maybe you can relate.
If so, I’d love to give you four tips that have helped me make the transition from dread to peace during the holidays.
1. Manage Your Expectations
If you’re still in contact with your mother, understand she’s not going to magically become the loving mother you always wished you had.
To survive the holidays with a narcissistic mother, you must armor up. That means protecting yourself with the truth, instead of believing your behavior will have any impact on hers.
Since childhood, you may have blamed yourself for her shortcomings. You've believed that if you could only be different, better, more lovable, she would be different too.
But it was never about you. It was always about her limitations, making her unable and unwilling to meet your needs or respect your boundaries.
You want to go in understanding that it's probably going to be a lot like it's always been.
The little girl inside hoping that it's going to be different only opens you up to being retraumatized and disappointed in a big way.
2. Tune Into You to Survive the Holidays With a NarcISSISTIC Mother
You might let your mother create your holiday experience based on what she wants, instead of designing your holiday according to your desires.
It may feel out of reach right now, and may not happen all at once, but you can take steps toward the holiday you create, instead of one that results from your reactions to what other people demand of you.
When you’re at dinner, for example, you might tend to detach from yourself. You're overly focused on what she’s thinking, what she’s going to say, and when the trigger is going to come.
Instead of feeling like a sitting duck, maintain self-connection by checking in with yourself. Tune into your body and ask, "What do I need right now?" or “How do I feel?”
Even if it means you need to go to the bathroom or do some deep breathing because you’re starting to feel activated.
Often, overeating and overdrinking are ways we avoid our emotions. What if you paid attention to them instead?
3. Understand Your Triggers
Triggers are emotional activations, created by memories of earlier events that this current event reminds you of. It’s like an unhealed wound that has been reopened.
If you notice that your nervous system is going into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, characterized by heavy breathing, sweating, rapid heartbeat, shaky legs and voice, that means you’re losing your executive functioning.
You're entering survival mode believing you’re in the childhood home where you’re trapped, have no choice, nobody has your back or understands you, and you have no one to turn to.
Those things aren't true anymore. But it's not enough to tell yourself that, because logic won’t overcome trauma in the body.
The nervous system doesn't understand that you're not back in the childhood home. It feels that way, and it's getting ready to save your life.
When you are triggered, pause and tune into: What meaning am I giving this? How is this making me feel? For example, disrespected, dismissed, like I don't matter.
Just because someone else is disrespecting you doesn't say anything about your worth, but the inner child believes it does.
She thinks your mother has the power to decide your value, even though it's not true and never was.
Next, you want to connect to an early memory of feeling this way and what happened then.
For me, it was always having to listen to someone lecture me and feeling silenced as a result.
No one asked what I wanted or needed. The authoritarian attitude said: "Do what I say or else."
The "or else" felt like a death threat to a child in that situation.
That's the trigger. You can make the connection and find some power instead of feeling lost and out of control.
For a full step-by-step method on how to identify and manage triggers, check out my tool in this collection.
4. Find Support to Survive the Holidays with a Narcissistic Mother
If you’re single, could you bring a trusted friend instead of going to the family gathering alone and unsupported?
If you have a supportive spouse or partner, can you make a plan together?
Use text to stay connected to someone who understands your plight and will offer encouragement instead of judgment.
Can you join a support group of people who get it? I’d lean toward a facilitated experience led by a professional, rather than a free Facebook group.
Afterward you might text or call your support person to debrief about what went well and what you’d do differently. You can also do this with yourself.
See it not as a time for self-criticism, but non-judgmental reflection on how to create a better experience next year.
Finally, support might include working with a coach who can help you through the holiday season and beyond.
Next steps
I hope these tips help you do more than survive the holidays with your narcissistic mother. You deserve to design an experience that works for you instead of reacting to the demands of others.
If this resonates and you’re serious about creating a life that works for you, apply for coaching with me here.
You may also begin by signing up for my 4R Roadmap here. This gives you access to two short videos that walk you through my proven four-step healing process.
