How to Overcome Scarcity Mindset and Create an Abundant Life
Many success coaches talk about a scarcity mindset as the product of your parents’ beliefs that you’ve inherited. While that may be true, for childhood trauma survivors the issue is more complex.
If you’d like to learn more about creating abundance from a trauma-informed perspective, you’re in the right place. We’ll dive into the real reasons you struggle with scarcity thinking (not only about money!) and how to begin to get what you want.
Where does scarcity mindset come from?
Mainstream self-helpers say you have a poverty consciousness due to genuine lack growing up. They say your parents had limited access to resources and therefore you learned the things you wanted were hard to come by.
What they miss is that for children of narcissistic parents, resources may have been intentionally and maliciously withheld. You learned not only that things were scarce but that you didn’t deserve to have them. This is an important distinction I’d like to explore.
Parents’ conditioning
One of my clients grew up as the family scapegoat in a narcissistic family. She was regularly denied things, both material and experiential, that her golden child sister was allowed to have.
As a child, this woman had admired a sleeveless winter vest while in a store with her mother. When her mother asked if she wanted it, she accepted, surprised because she was normally only allowed one new coat per year as someone growing up in a cold climate.
When the time came to replace the previous year’s winter coat which she’d outgrown, her mother proclaimed that there would be no new winter coat because she chose the vest instead. As a result she had to walk to school in sub-zero temperatures everyday without sleeves.
This is an example of a parent's willful and sadistic negligence which is common in a narcissistic family, rather than a lack of resources. Many success coaches cannot imagine such a scenario and therefore do not speak to those of us who grew up in such homes.
Feeling undeserving
As a child in a narcissistic home, you would have got the message every day that you were not lovable, acceptable, or worthwhile. This early rejection from our primary caregiver imprints us with a feeling of unworthiness, which exacerbates the scarcity mindset.
Even if as adults we have access to resources, we may deny ourselves any luxuries out of a conscious or subconscious belief that we are not worthy of them.
Many of my clients have no idea what they want when asked. They have disconnected from their desires as a protective mechanism.
That’s because as children they learned that wanting would only lead to disappointment. Or, worse, they would be punished for asking for what they want.
If they did receive something, such as an award or other gift, their mother would be jealous, mocking, or indifferent. In this environment, tamping down desires feels safer than being open to them.
Focusing on fear and worry
In the same vein, our protective parts keep us safe by staying hypervigilant to potential threats. We focus almost exclusively on our fears and worries and the things we don’t want to happen.
This was important in a narcissistic home where danger lurked around every corner. We did not have the luxury of dreaming about our desires and expanding our minds to create them.
We were busy staying alive in a world that seemed dangerous because we had learned to fend for ourselves from a young age.
How to replace scarcity mindset with abundance
When The Secret first came out in 2006 I was seeing a therapist who had convinced me that I would “always regret not having a relationship with my parents”.
She actively led me to believe it was my responsibility to repair the rift between myself and my mother. When one strategy wouldn’t work, she would have me apply another one.
Most of her advice entailed me behaving like a perfect saint who allowed other people to treat her however they wanted, while “taking the high road” and being the more tolerant and forgiving person.
This has been a common attitude toward family dynamics that prevails even now. Parents have the right to treat their children abominably and it's the adult child’s job to suck it up, ask for nothing more, and continue giving the parents Biblical respect (honor your mother and father).
The therapist introduced me to The Secret which at the time made no sense to me. As someone in a constant state of fight or flight, filled with fear, and protecting herself from potential threats both real and imagined, how could it?
How could I get my head around the idea that my thoughts create my reality when thinking negatively had become a survival skill? Expecting the worst kept me safe from an unknown outcome.
I could not afford to indulge in positive thoughts. My very life depended on staying focused upon what to do when the other shoe inevitably dropped.
do your emotional healing work
Interestingly, since doing my emotional healing work, I do understand and utilize many of the concepts in The Secret. I would argue, however, that it’s more than your thoughts that create what you want. You’ve got to have an underlying belief that supports those thoughts.
Healing the protective part of you that believes positive thoughts are dangerous before jumping straight to mainstream manifesting skills is essential to getting what you want.
Avoiding negative feelings is called emotional bypassing. If you simply change negative emotions to positive, you are lying to yourself and missing an opportunity for self-development and growth.
Most importantly, it will not help you heal the scarcity mindset and manifest what you want.
reprogram limiting beliefs
After the emotional healing work, you can begin the process of reprogramming the limiting beliefs instilled in you through your narcissistic upbringing.
Rather than positive mantras (which can reinforce positive beliefs but not create them), work with your inner child (the protector part) to help her understand she doesn’t need to think negatively for you to be safe.
This includes tuning into your body sensations when you have an opportunity to expand and allow abundance. Does your stomach hurt, or your chest or throat?
Gently, put a hand on that part and offer understanding, validation, and gratitude for keeping you safe so far. Let her know that her feelings make sense, but you can handle any negative outcomes of what you’re about to receive or proclaim for yourself.
You’re an adult now with access to resources you didn’t have before. These include money, but also the ability to seek outside support, drive a car, leave an uncomfortable situation, say no, and so on.
Focus on what you want instead of fear and worry
Most survivors of childhood abuse and neglect focus on their fears instead of their desires. This is a natural outcome of constant survival mode.
When you’re fighting for your life, you’re not thinking about what feels good. Anything that’s not relevant to staying alive goes offline.
That’s why you struggle with rumination, brain fog, poor decision-making, and find it hard to relax (to name a few). This is your body taking care of you in a loving way.
So, the last thing you want to do is shame yourself for this version of self-care. Again, soothe, validate and thank the inner child and begin to focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want.
Many people will argue that this is hard. To which I respond, yes it is hard. You are undoing a lifetime of conditioning so reprogramming yourself might be a full-time job.
The question is: how much do you want it? How tired are you of living the way you do? More importantly, how much longer can your body handle it?
If you are dealing with chronic pain, illnesses, or autoimmune conditions, this constant threat response is often to blame. Even if you are not, the emotional turmoil is reason enough to make it your mission to change this scarcity mindset.
If you are still using your story as the reason you cannot change, this article may not be for you. But if, deep down, you know you were made for more, this is your green light to receive it.
Next steps
Now you know the real reason scarcity mindset dominates your thinking, and the steps you can take to create more abundance in your life. If the mainstream manifestation masters have left you feeling frustrated and misunderstood, now you know why.
If you’d like to go deeper on how to create the life you want after childhood trauma, you’re invited to join me in Beyond the Mother Wound, my group program starting August 6. Watch my free masterclass to learn more about the program and my trauma-informed framework here.
