It Starts With Love Bombing: The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
Many women raised in narcissistic homes get pulled into relationships with narcissistic men. It starts with love bombing, but long after that ends, they stay stuck in situations they feel helpless to leave.
If they do leave, they might find themselves right back with the same type of partner. This leads many women to feel hopeless in dating, as if they have a faulty picker that makes toxic relationships inevitable.
In today’s post, we’ll discuss the four phases of the narcissistic abuse cycle. You may have heard of these before, but did you know how intentionally they can be used to prevent you from leaving?
PHASE ONE: love bombing hooks you in
Love bombing is a targeted campaign of over-the-top flattery narcissists use to attract you. They know their “true” personality, thoughts, and motivations would repel you, so they pretend to be someone they’re not.
If they told you what really went on in their minds, you’d run for the hills. It would go something like this: I feel empty inside and have no ability to motivate myself. Like a parasite, I need a host (you) to feed off and get my supply so I can feel okay.
You have something (status, looks, money, a business, a family) that I want to use to feel better about myself. I can’t tell you this, so instead I’ll invest time, money, and energy pretending to be everything you want in a man.
This is the investment I make in the beginning to reel you in and get you to make a commitment that’s hard to back out of legally, socially, and psychologically. The payoff for my investment comes when I’ve got you where I want you and can finally put down the mask and reveal my “true” self.
He will ask probing questions to make you believe he wants to know you more deeply. In fact, he is collecting data on your tastes, preferences, and values so he can reflect those back to you.
As a result, you’ll believe he’s perfect for you, your soul mate and twin flame combined.
phase two: devaluation
Through the love bombing phase, he’s ingratiated himself into your life. He has subtly or not-so-subtly crossed boundaries to ensure you are a good target for his campaign.
Have you allowed him to do things or have access to you others wouldn’t have at that stage? Have you ignored red flags because he’s so good to you?
He has likely been upping the ante on these boundary violations to see how you would respond. If you overlook them to prevent him from experiencing the discomfort of your “no”, he will consider that a green flag.
He has fast-tracked everything from saying I love you to moving in together, to getting you pregnant or married.
Fast-tracking is another calculation designed to trap you before the mask gets too heavy and he has to take it off. Because if Mr. Hyde comes out before you are fully committed, he may lose you.
After his investment in the love bombing phase, he can’t afford to do that.
Now that he’s got you where he wants you, he can finally let his narcissistic freak flag fly. This means pushing you off the pedestal and proclaiming you as the worst thing in the world, when before you were the best.
phase three: discard
Throughout the devaluation phase, you tried to get back to the place where he adored you. You believed his change in attitude must be the result of some change in you, though you don’t know what.
You believe if you can be more pleasing to him, you’ll win back the man you met. This mirrors the dynamic with your mother (or father) where you were constantly trying to prove yourself worthy of love.
So, you abandon yourself more and more trying to find a way to make him happy with you again. And he uses advanced psychological techniques to prevent you from leaving even when things feel unbearable between you.
He will then break up with you in the most cruel way possible, often moving onto another relationship in a very short time. He may have been love bombing this person behind your back, lining her up as the next victim/target.
He will paint you as the crazy ex to the next woman. He’ll publicize the new affair on social media or wherever you are likely to see it so you feel the most pain possible.
phase four: hoovering
If you let him go too easily, or break up with him before he can discard you, hoovering may follow. This is Love Bombing Part Deux: the strategy to get you back so he can repeat the whole cycle again.
Hoovering sucks you in with the convincing pledge that he will revert back to the man you fell in love with. He will vow to follow through on all his unfulfilled promises from the past.
He will send flowers, gifts, money, love notes, and more. He will apologize in a way that sounds sincere but is anything but.
Because you are human, you may fall for this campaign. Who doesn’t want to give someone a second chance and feel the intoxicating thrill of love bombing once again?
But, woe to you when you do fall, because the cycle this time will feel twice as bad as before. Now he’s angry at how hard he had to work to get you back, and he disrespects you for allowing him back in.
Last Words
Of course, there are nuances specific to each individual case. My aim here has been to show you a general demonstration of the pattern in a narcissistic relationship, from love bombing to hoovering.
You are subjected to a calculated campaign tantamount to psychological warfare. He lures you in like a spider traps its victim in a web from which escape feels impossible.
The best line of defense is to avoid this trap altogether by strengthening your boundaries. Boundaries are like kryptonite to a narcissistic man, and will take away his power to hurt you.
They’ll send him running away in search of a better target. One who doesn’t create the kind of friction that foils his evil plan.
