How to Know You Have a Vulnerable Narcissist Mother
When you hear the signs of narcissism, they’re often referring to a grandiose type with loud, attention-seeking tendencies. If you have a vulnerable narcissist mother, however, things may appear very different on the surface.
Make no mistake, however. She is still highly manipulative and self-serving, but goes about getting her needs met in a more “covert” way.
Read on to discover how to know if you are dealing with this quieter type of narcissist.
12 Vulnerable narcissist mother signs
Victim mentality
Vulnerable narcissist mothers act like the whole world is against them. Nothing is ever their fault and they can’t take responsibility for their failures.
You will often be blamed and given outsized responsibility to make them feel better. Their happiness depends on you giving in to their demands.
Envy
Your mother is jealous of others, including you, and can never celebrate their success. She can’t stand when other people win and will downplay their achievements, even if it’s only in her head.
She may be jealous of the attention you receive. Confusingly, she wants you to reflect well on her because she sees you as an extension of herself.
But then you are punished if you are “too good” because that detracts from her and her desire to be the best.
Hypersensitivity
She overreacts to any perceived slight or criticism. Even if it’s neutral feedback, she will take great offense and react unreasonably.
This can look like lashing out, or retreating and sulking if she feels she has been slighted in any way.
negativity
If there’s a choice between seeing the glass as half-full or half-empty, you now which way she’ll go. This is not a person who sees the bright side of things or encourages you to hope for the best.
She prefers to wallow in how hard she has it, how no one understands her pain, and everyone and everything is stacked against her.
entitlement
Like the grandiose narcissist, the vulnerable narcissist mother feels entitled. She believes she should get what she wants without having to do much to get it.
She’d rather manipulate others into doing her bidding and buying into her victim world view. That’s easier than taking responsibility to create a better life for herself.
Superiority
Even though she appears unassuming, she believes she’s better than you. She might use acts of service and “martyrdom” as a way of proving that.
Make no mistake, the vulnerable narcissist mother is keeping score with every favor and good deed. These will be used against you, either to prove her superiority, or gain favor with others so they don’t take your side.
Passive aggressive
Instead of expressing herself directly, she’ll use backhanded compliments or sarcasm to make you feel bad. She smiles in your face while stabbing you in the back.
This way, you can’t point at anything specific she’s said or done, and she comes out looking squeaky clean.
needs reassurance
The vulnerable narcissist mother requires constant reassurance from you. When you want to discuss your feelings, she sighs and says “I guess I’m just a terrible mother”, instead of listening to you.
This forces you to validate her as a “good mother” instead of acknowledging your need for emotional support. Once again, her needs get met while yours are abandoned.
self-centered
Like the grandiose narcissist, this type has no interest in other people. She is self-referential and lacks the empathy and compassion needed to care.
Even when she appears self-sacrificing, this is a manipulation to enhance her image. The motivation is not to help others but to control the way others view her and make sure she “wins”.
you walk on eggshells
Due to her reactivity and thin-skinned “sensitivity”, you are terrified of saying the wrong thing to her. She can ruin the atmosphere in any room with her sulking and negativity.
As a result, you are constantly managing her mood. You self-censor and self-edit for fear of saying the wrong thing and setting her off.
Silent treatment
One of the favorite tactics of the vulnerable narcissist mother, she’ll stop speaking to you without even telling you why. How could she when she’s silent?
This is another passive-aggressive ploy to get you to apologize or take responsibility even though she is in the wrong. In dysfunctional families, this works because members enable her behavior by giving into it.
The result? She wins again.
grudge-holding
She will harbor simmering resentment against you for any perceived slight. When you try to make amends (even when it’s not your fault), she will refuse the olive branch.
It helps her feel superior and better than you if she can hold your so-called transgressions against you.
complaining
The vulnerable narcissist mother never runs out of things to complain about. The world is against her, coworkers are attacking her, and she would be fine if everyone else would just shape up and do what she wants.
NEXT STEPS
Now you know the signs of a vulnerable narcissist mother. These confusing tactics leave adult children feeling anxious, guilt-ridden, and codependent.
You abandon yourself and take responsibility for the emotional well-being of others. You feel bad if you’re not caretaking others, and like nothing you do is ever good enough.
As a next step, get my free guide for daughters of narcissistic mothers below. Whether beginning or continuing your journey of healing the pain of maternal narcissistic abuse, you’ll find encouragement here.
