I have a narcissistic mother…what do I do now?

You’re here because you’ve finally admitted to yourself: “I have a narcissistic mother”.

You may have spent years or decades trying to make things work with her. But now you understand there is something about your mother that makes getting along with her impossible.

In this article, we’ll look at how to deal with a narcissistic mother. First, we’ll explore some of the ways her conditioning still impacts you as an adult.

16 Symptoms of maternal narcissism

Poor boundaries

If you’ve discovered “I have a narcissistic mother”, you probably do a lot of things you don’t like to do because you can’t say no. It feels easier to go along with what someone else wants than to do what you want.

Low self-worth

You feel like you’re never enough. You’re constantly trying to prove that you’re a good person.

Harsh inner critic

You’ve internalized the voice of your mother and treat yourself the way she treated you.

Visibility issues

You play small and feel unseen, unheard, unknown.

Relationship struggles

You feel like a magnet for toxic people in friendships, romance, and at work.

Overgiving in relationships

If you can say, “I have a narcissistic mother,” you believe you have to earn love and acceptance.

Emotional dysregulation

Emotions feel scary so you avoid or suppress them.

the world is a scary place

You have a constant sense of low-level anxiety or even panic attacks. There is something dangerous about allowing yourself to let your guard down or even be happy.

Feeling empty or hopeless

You sense that you have no power to change anything. You are stuck where you are; you don’t have any choices.

no one understands you

Feeling misunderstood makes you shut down and stop telling the truth about what happened to you to fit in. The result? You never find your people when you’re pretending to be something you’re not.

Difficulty forming close relationships

Causes include fear of intimacy, mistrust, giving too much too soon, withholding thoughts, emotions, needs, and wants.

Disconnection or disassociation

You have a feeling of being “unreal” or not knowing who you are. You may feel surprised if someone notices you because they are confirming that you exist.

Suicidal thoughts

Hyperarousal

You feel constantly on high alert which impacts sleep and makes you anxious.

Perfectionism

You fear making mistakes even though they are a natural part of any process.

Sensitivity to criticism

You take criticism as a type of death that feels unbelievably painful. To be avoided at all cost (hence, the perfectionism).

How to deal with a narcissistic mother

Walking away from a narcissistic mother

If you’ve realized and admitted to yourself: “I have a narcissistic mother,” you may decide to walk away.

No contact means you cut off all communication. This includes blocking her on your phone and email and discarding so-called gifts and cards unopened. Do not return to sender as that is a form of contact. 

Limited Contact refers to both emotional and physical limitations. You have contact with her only at certain times and under certain circumstances. 

You may limit visits to 90 minutes, for example. Or, choose to only meet in public places (so you can leave when you want and have witnesses). 

Emotionally detaching

Limited contact also refers to what you communicate about. You keep the conversation surface level and avoid giving her information about yourself.

You avoid any emotional responses. Narcissists are always looking for a reaction to feel like they are winning and have power over you.

Grey rock means being as boring as a grey rock. It buys you time while you work out whether no contact is for you and avoids the drama she will stir up if you cut contact when you are trying to heal.

Remember J.A.D.E. Don’t Justify, Attack or Argue, Defend, or Explain.

Prioritize yourself

Start saying no to what you don’t want and yes to what you do want. Disappoint as many people as needed to avoid disappointing yourself.

Learn the skills of inner child healing and mindful self-compassion to care for yourself and your nervous system as you learn to navigate boundaries. 

Educate yourself

Learn about narcissism and other Cluster B personality disorders. NOT so you can understand your mother, but so you can protect and understand yourself.

Read more on this website about trauma recovery coaching for daughters of narcissistic mothers. Start here.

Watch my videos for support and enlightenment around this complex issue and subscribe to the YouTube channel here.